Some days mental health is easier to manage then other days and if you ever walk around like every day is sunshine and cotton candy; get over yourself. On days like these it helps me to reflect and feel what I need to feel, you know? Like not ignore it but also not fall apart. You admit it, you feel it, you work with it and you manage it. You don’t ignore it, you don’t push it down and most importantly you do not let it control you.
So what is my saddest truth? Well maybe it will be easier if I just write a letter and maybe you need to write a letter too?
I hope my intrusion on your Tuesday morning is welcome but if it’s not… if you never want me to tell you these things I am truly sorry but I have to, I need to tell you things that I only whisper to the Moon and then… then you can run far-far away.
It’s been years – I know, but I still ask every city light if they think it was supposed to be you… If it was you I should hold at night or coax’s out of bed with a cup of coffee? I have this burning need to understand why the warmth of your chest wasn’t flesh but home. Secret letters and late night radio shows haunt empty corners of my soul and I tried to hang a few portraits of beautiful boys there and they even grew into men, I really did try; I promise… but it couldn’t hide the cracks in the wall or the hollow sound of laughter when the wind blew through me like the haunted house I am… I tried…
A gaping hole lives in my palm where your hand should be and no matter how loud I scream no one else can see it, can touch it. It is the reminder which I hate to love but never love to hate so here we are, two Sunrises short of a fairytale and no horse or armor; just a naked girl with a few paintings on broken walls.
I supposed my truth, the saddest truth is this; Every time you put a full stop after goodbye I will always add a comma.
Who is Cactus Jack? Nice of you to ask… Cactus Jack is the relationship that taught me the most; the one that almost killed me; the one that made me strong.
The saddest thing about what I’m about to say is how many of you will actually relate to it;
“I’ve never been so lonely then in a relationship with you.”
Oh hell! Who knows what I’m taking about?
Constantly feeling like you’re being compared, never being good enough, always having to change who you are, and fighting for acceptance?
I feel like there is this myth that only women go through this and all men are somehow heartless, but the truth is assholes come in every sex or whatever you identify as. Some people hang onto you like a leech sucking you dry while they have their eyes on “something better.” Let me just tell you now – RELAX, it happens to the best of us… twice even. People are broken and they look for their own brokenness in other people to fix, that’s why we make such extravagant messes of our lives and when you are younger with raging hormones and two brain cells firing it’s even worse.
So what now? Do we need to find someone who is not broken? Hahahahahahahahaha! No…
People like that do no exist but what I think can help is if we just start thinking with our heads and then give some room for our hearts to sort through the emotions because hearts are a fickle thing. Just take it easy and take it slow. Someone who really wants to be with you will be patient. Somewhere in this world is someone who is dying to meet you just as you are. It sounds fairytale crazy but the truth is – its not, because we all might share similarities but there are some unique things about you that will just make you worth it to the right person and that is something I’m sure some smart science guy can explain to us but just believe me… I’m totally unqualified which makes me perfect to comment on this!
Look… get out of the bad relationship, I know it’s scary but do it. Don’t stay in a place where you are treated like less than a person just because you exist, that’s some bullshit and you know it. Leave, please leave. Just take your stuff and go! Sometimes no plan is also a plan. Take some time to be alone because alone is not always lonely and you will never ever get your alone time back or make decisions on your own once you commit to someone because commit means I WILL NEVER STOP DATING YOU OR WORKING AT IT EVEN AFTER WE ARE MARRIED! Don’t ever stop dating your partner that is the biggest mistake people make – keep it fresh.
The biggest lesson Cactus Jack taught me is that I now know exactly WHAT I DO NOT WANT. That might sound silly but when it comes to people and their habits and what I will accept in my life it makes the biggest difference. Take the lessons not the failures and then grow… grow and love again – wisely Susan!
Anyway what do I know, I’m just over here sharing my craziness
What isn’t overwhelming these days? Let me break it down for you;
There is this corrupted software planted into our brains by things like social media, advertising and marketing, our parents, the news, society and of course by ourselves that we need to do certain things to be seen a certain way. You know what I mean?
By a certain age it is expected of you to own a house, be married and have some kids or people think something is wrong with you. You need to have a size 00 waist and a size 12 ass (good luck with that). You need to climb the corporate ladder fast and if you rock up in your tiny car instead of some sporty V8, who will take you seriously? Never mind that you have the best original ideas or what you even had to go through just to buy your tiny car. It’s who you know not what you know (unless you work for NASA because honestly you will stick out like a sore thumb anywhere else) you need to plan and plan and plan and then run the race, run till you can’t anymore! Do it all! Be healthy, be successful, be the boss!
But… are you happy? Why do people always ask “how are you?” instead of “are you happy?” somehow that seems so deep and life just crashed down on you all at once.
Don’t get me wrong if you have done all these things and you enjoyed it and you are happy, congratulations, I am proud of what you have accomplished and I mean that from the bottom of heart – good job. For the rest of us this is just overwhelming… and now even the air we breathe is trying to kill us!
Can we just take a step back and acknowledge that some of us (most of us) have no idea how to take care of ourselves or love ourselves? We have ideas of what a “life” should look like but is that the life you want? There is this never ending grind that feels like it’s going to crush you if you dare to be different, if you don’t fit in, if you don’t want what everybody else wants and believe me I live it every day.
So I will ask you again; are you happy? Because here’s the thing, if you can’t stand you, how do you expect someone else to stand you? And we wonder why our relationships fail… you don’t know who you are! You don’t even know what you like anymore. Everything is just overwhelming…
Having a plan is good. To be successful is good. To be healthy is good. To be the best you can be is good but all I am saying is on the days you feel not so good, do that good too. Take some time, get your head together, try something new, take yourself on a date, eat something and sleep, just rest… Don’t run so hard and so fast chasing an invisible carrot that you end up being the only bunny in the meadow. “Every bunny needs some bunny”
There is a place for you in this world that no one else can ever fill regardless of how ridiculous or unbelievable that place might be – it’s yours, and only yours.
So tonight I will be calm. I will be at peace and I will not be overwhelmed.
Most of you have probably heard about the “three questions”, you know? Where you ask a person three specific questions to get to know a lot about them in a short amount of time? I wont bother to post a link because it’s really everywhere if you Google it but let me enlighten you anyway.
I was not ready for this…
So when you ask these questions the person who answers needs to give you three reasons why for his answer and it cant be shallow nonsense it has to be Shakespeare-level deep, dig deep, things with meaning. I thought what harm could it do? Bloody hell…
These are the questions
1. What is your favourite colour and three reasons why?
2. What is your favourite animal (any animal) and three reasons why?
3. What kind of body of water or water in any form is your favourite (so anything from snow to ice to the
Ocean) and three reasons why?
I thought this isn’t too bad, I can do this! So I answered the first question and said my favorite color is green because it’s nurturing and fresh and full of live. The second answer I gave was my favorite animal is a Killer whale because it’s best of both worlds… Its incredibly intelligent and playful but also an aggressive killer that would make a Great white shark think twice. I also love the way it looks, like it’s ready for anything formal. Then the last question I said the ocean because it’s so magical and scary. It’s vastly unexplored and intimidating yet soothing and calm.
Alright so then the answers came… hahahahahelp me!
WHAT? EXCUSE ME? And that… is when I knew how utterly deep I was in the poop. A Killer whale? That’s my guy? So much of my life made sense at that moment; memories flashing by like two minute trailers to movies all called “It seemed like a good idea at the time.” Dumb ass whales… I had no more unanswered questions left about my love life, no… It was all there.
The first answer was your favorite color is how you see yourself. I liked that, it was nice and reassuring that I have those qualities, fantastic. Then the second answer was that your favorite animal is how you see your perfect mate…
Now by this time I was hyperventilating into a brown paper bag and very attractive beads of sweat were running down forehead. I…was…in…it! The last answer to the questions came, and just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse the water just rolled on in. Your favorite kind of water is how your see your own sexuality… That’s when I checked out.
I mean I have done some stuff, okay? I am not that… vastly unexplored! (I tell myself) Stupid physiological questions. I came to one conclusion after this; I have no idea how this happened and we will NOT be digging any deeper to unmask any unattended childhood dramas… Nooooo.
So there it is you guys; I think I will just be avoiding any Coast in general and I hope you have some enlightening moments, please do share!
This was something I personally had to learn and I am still learning because like many people I have that question “Is this okay?” because I tend to struggle with feelings of insecurity and at times absent mindedness. Finding security in who I am as a person can be challenging and the constant pressure and images we bombard ourselves with, yes we do it to ourselves… on social media doesn’t help much.
I’m a real delight… anyway
Previously we spoke about “Enough” and said boundaries should be in place.
I know of so many men and women who are just being used and used and used by people and these are not “soft” people like you might think. Meaning that because of their sensitive nature people just walk all over them, no… These men and women are powerhouses in so many other aspects of their lives but it’s like they can’t see it because they constantly have to fight just to take a breath. Most of us do not want to be that person who doesn’t care what happens to someone else (and if you are seek professional help) We care about the people we love but here is the difference;
You get a call at 10pm from a loved one or whoever, because the light bulb blew in the hallway and they ask you to come over and fix it because they just can’t stand the dark. So here you are… you love this person but this is a “common thing” On Monday you had to take their dog to the vet for a chip because he/she made an appointment at the salon and then on Wednesday you had to bring them supper because he/she didn’t feel like ordering it even though the store is a five minute drive from their home. You often borrow them money because they can’t pay their bills just to see them out partying when you know nothing has been paid, and now this… This has been the story of your life.
Let me tell you now, this is NOT OKAY. If someone can be as blunt as to order you around to do things that are their responsibility that they signed up for… If someone feels that they can expect from you things that they would not do themselves, you have a problem. You know very well when someone will do for you what you do for them and I am not talking about acts of kindness. If you live this everyday you’ll know.
Please for your own sanity – set boundaries! You can love someone and still have an opinion. You can love someone and still care about you. You can love someone and still have a life. You are allowed to be important too!
Tell that person you are sorry about the light but you will not be coming over to fix it tonight. You will get to them at a later stage or ask a neighbor and do not feel guilty about it… it will take time but do it. The boundary you just set was TIME, SPACE, ENERGY your own personal time that you NEED for yourself. This is just an example but this could be about anything in life. You need to show someone where you have marked the do’s and don’ts of your life or they will keep pushing and you don’t have to be mean or love them less. I can honestly tell you if they are not ready for you to be important too then what are you doing there?
What upsets you? What is okay with you? What do you need? Make a list if you have to but set your boundaries.
That is one of those life questions, isn’t it? When is enough, enough? When do you stop helping? When do you stop giving? When do you ask for help? When? Just when?
Enough has so many emotions connected to it unlike sad or happy. Enough has them all. What am I saying, you ask?
Well, let’s think about it… “Enough” food is a completely different feeling as suppose to feeling like that was “enough tears”, so there you go; the Pandora’s box.
I ask you this because we all know someone who just keeps giving and giving and giving till there is noting left and even then they will give a little more. Maybe you are that someone?
Here’s the thing and you might want to grab a cup of coffee of wine. I’ll wait…
If the thought has ever crossed your mind to ask “is this enough?” Darling it’s been enough for a while now and you know it. I don’t care if it’s your husband, your wife, your best friend, family or a stranger because a hard truth is some people just like using you and they do it because you allow it. Don’t get mad, I know that burns believe me but it’s the truth!
You can tell me “but it’s my mother, I love her, she needs me” or “It’s who I am. I am a giver” or “I cant help it I feel bad.” Alright so tell me this; when is enough, enough before you become the problem and not them? When you become so tired and so run down that you need someone? There needs to be a point in your life where you say “I love you but this is not okay.” and that… that is called taking a step back.
Am I saying just abandon people who need you and you care about? No of course not. What I am saying is
Set them. Enforce them. Use them
There is only one of you on this earth and as much as there are people who enjoy using you because it’s comfortable there are people who care about you and love even if you don’t know it yet. Don’t burn out because you borrowed too much of your own light.
Stay safe darling xxx and go read my books and brush your teeth
When I first started this blog I thought I would be on here just posting the books I have written and talking about them however, life has changed…
I have since complete Forest Land – The awakening (book1) and you guys can read that on Wattpad and Dreame. I have also posted three other books on there
1. Mountain Land – The sold princess (book2) ongoing
2. The girl with a bloody past (complete)
3. Through my windows (poetry – complete)
Please check it out. @maritzawrites is my handle for the book apps and my instagram as well as Facebook.
That brings me to this discussion. I was recently reminded that we can all find some benefit from just talking… talking about the high’s and low’s of life, particularly since the whole world is facing this epidemic and so many of us have lost a loved one or know of someone who has. Let’s face it, life is kinda sucky at the moment but there are still things in our power we can do to make it less so.
I will not be deleting my old content on this website like I said you know where to find the books now but instead I will leave it here as a reminder to me that life is a journey even if that journey is you backpacking barefoot across a desert with a cactus in your ass. I will just share with you my unqualified, unsupervised, unprofessional opinion that you can do with what you please.
I wake up in the middle of night, my heart pounding-terrified
(Someone is… is… in my room)
I grab my sword next to my bed and jump up!
(wait a minute….)
In front of me is a very clumsy and drunk Lord Canowicakte bumping into stuff
(he is….mmmm, lost maybe?) “Lord Canowicakte are you lost?”
He freezes when he sees me and I can’t help but giggle
“No, I am not, I was looking for you and I found you! Ha! Just like that”
(Yes very cleaver….) “My Lord it’s really late, what is the matter?”
I walk over to him and bring him to my bed where we sit. I can’t see his face clearly but the Moonlight falls over us. He lays down in my bed and pulls me to him covering us with blankets
(I wonder if he can’t sleep alone anymore, he is so spoiled)
I lie down on his chest and listen to his heart beat.
“Auryon, I apologise. I know I have had a lot to drink but I also have so many things going through my mind and I need to tell you and If you want to remind me about all of it tomorrow that is fine too”
(this sounds serious) I just nod holding his hand tightly.
“I have been cold and alone for so long that I feel strange and at a disadvantage when I am near you. I am not sure how to compose myself. I can’t remember ever in my life being this happy.”
“I want you to be mine in the sight of everyone, to be binded to me, legally you know”
(Bind what now?) I feel my heart pounding in my chest and my whole body warms up (Does he even know what is he saying?) I just nod again.
“I want everyone to know you are spoken for. Would you agree to my hand?”
(He is so not going to remember this, as sweet as this sounds) “Yes my lord” I whisper.
Lord Canowicakte gives a big sigh of relieve and I feel him pass out.
(Really? just like that?…. You propose drunk and pass out) “You know you are so spoiled”
I tell him as I cuddle closer and pull at the blankets.
(There is no way I am reminding him of this conversation)
The next day I leave him sleeping in my bed and get dressed. Today I want to walk around a bit. I want to eat everything I see at the market and maybe get some arrows. Just as I am about to leave…
“Mmmm fire fox….”
(Does he have to be this cute?) “Yes my lord”
He opens his eyes a bit “Where are you going?”
(He doesn’t seem very hung over) “I am going to the market I want to do some shopping and walk around a bit.”
He sits up “And so I am not invited?”
“Of course you are you don’t need to ask I just thought after the night you had you might want to sleep some of that off”
He laughs at me “My darling Auryon, what kind of Lord would it make me if I had to recover in bed from a bit of Ale”
(a bit….) “well you were kind of drunk last night”
He looks at me like he has all the secrets of the world locked away somewhere “Are you sure?”
(Okay now he is in my head and I am doubting myself) “well then get up and get dressed”
He jumps out of bed grabs me and kisses me so passionately I feel like I’m floating.
I wake up with my face buried in Lord Canowicakte chest. I feel him gently stroking my hair.
“How did you sleep Me Lady?”
I cuddle up to him even more
“very, very well, and you Me Lord?”
He hugs me tight “I have never felt better”
I blush as he says this and try to hide my face. He takes my chin and lift my eyes to his (his eyes…they seem different… greenish)
“Give me your lips”
I stop him with my fingers on his lips
“What?” he looks at me surprised
“You…you’re eyes, they’re changing color?”
Shocked he jumps up and runs to the bathroom to check the mirror
(Is he okay?) I put the blanket around me and rush to him
“What? Are you okay? You’re okay right!?”
When I lock eyes with him I can’t move…. I am frozen in wonder and confusion. Staring back at me are two of the greenest, most beautiful, captivating eyes I have ever seen
I point at his face. He is so excited he scoops me up and spins me around
“Do you know what this means?”
I shake my head “Haven’t the foggiest….”
He kisses my lips sweetly (oh he tastes so good)
“It means you saved my heart, you cured my own curse. The Snow Queen put it on me the day she murdered my parents. She said I would have a heart so cold that no one would ever love me”
(Wow she did? Everything makes sense now!) I take his beautiful face in my hands
“She was wrong, there was no way that I could not love you. You ignited the fire in me my Forest Lord”
(Auryon, when you say things like that to me) He picks me up right there and we get lost in each other all over again, and again. When we finally get out of bed much later (it’s a good thing I have the next two days off) Lord Canowicakte is on the balcony overlooking the Forest. I get up and join him hugging him from behind. He turns around and holds me.
“I have asked the maids to bring us some breakfast and clothes from your room”
I look at him impressed
“So I can’t walk around this?”
He taps me on the tip of my nose “Not unless you want me to order that everyone wears blindfolds”
(He really is jealous) this makes me giggle.
“Do you want to take a bath me?”
I nod smiling “Yes please”
(He looks so pleased with himself…. I can’t get over those green eyes) the maid knocks at the door and enters with a tray full of breakfast and a dress for me. When her eyes lock on Lord Canowicakte she stumbles and nearly drops everything. We rush over to help her.
“Are you okay Maid Lia?”
She nods pointing at Lord Canowicakte
“You noticed huh?” he says very pleased. She seems confused and happy.
“M-my lord your eyes… you are cured?!”
He helps her to her feet and I take the tray putting it on the balcony still clinging on to the blanket around me.
“It seems the Snow Queen is not as powerful as she would have everyone believe”
The maid is overwhelmed with joy as she bows and sprints out the room. (It will be seconds before the whole castle knows) Lord Canowicakte walks over to me
“You know you saved my life?” he brushes my check gently
“Why do you say that?” I ask.
He answers staring into the distance “Because you gave me hope, you healed me, and I promise you we are going to kill the Snow Queen.”
I look at him with a warm smile “I am with you”
We spend the rest of the day talking, talking about everything and everyone. We arrive at dinner together and silence fills the room. Lord Canowicakte grabs my hand and we walk to our seats. No one says a word but their faces say everything (wow they really are shocked) The fancy guy who sits next to me is the first to talk
“M-My lord Canowicakte so it is true?!”
Lord Canowicakte pulls out my chair and I take my seat. He walks over to his seat at the head of the table
“Yes!” he exclaims.
a Loud roar and cries of joy erupt in the room. People are laughing and congratulating and celebrating. (He looks so happy, he is so amazing) He smiles as he thanks everyone.
“Tonight we feast and celebrate because on this day a curse has been lifted, and if one can go! All will go! We will no longer hide! This is the end of an Evil era!”
He lifts his gold goblet in the air and celebration explodes all around us again (I am so proud to be a part of this, of these people, my people) I feel the tears pushing through my eyes but I blink them away and swallow hard as we celebrate. I see Zain leave the room (what is he up to?…. I don’t like that guy)
“Hey Aury” Tracey nudges me, clearly a bit tipsy herself “How exactly did those eyes turn green huh?”
I looked at her wide eyed and bright red “Tracey!”
She nearly falls off her chair as she laughs “Oh your face!”
Just then Gabriel walks over “Trace, would you mind being the most beautiful thing I wear all day and hang onto my arm for a while?”
(Damn who knew Gabriel had game) I look at him impressed but as our eyes meet I wink at him without saying a word. Tracey now a little embarrassed at the compliment seems totally hooked on Gabriel.
“I would love to”
I giggle to myself (something is brewing) with that the two of them get up and leave. Everyone seems happy and a bit drunk including Lord Canowicakte (I think I am sneaking to bed early tonight) I get up and head to my room.
I knock and this time I wait for a response (maybe I should be a little drunk for this)
Lord Canowicakte doesn’t look up from his paperwork. I close the door behind me and take off the robe.
“hmmm” I clear my throat.
He puts his crystal pen down annoyed
“Can’t you people see that I ….I ….. Au…. Auryon”
I smile a bit shy “should I leave?”
He shakes his head and jumps up “N- no please don’t! I mean no, stay, I’m done”
I nod and he takes my hand and twirls me. The confident smile I know returns to his face. He looks at me like I am brand new.
(I should say something!?) “I wanted to come say thank you for the bow…. It’s the most beautiful one I have ever seen”
My eyes beam with joy when I think of it. He pulls me closer to him.
“If you come to my room looking like this to thank me for a silly bow you shouldn’t be surprised if I leave you something every night.
(Oh my… yes please..) “I wouldn’t mind”
He smiles… (Auryon I can’t resist you and you know it, tonight I will not wait any longer)
“Have you decided if you will stay?”
Searching his eyes I ask “Do you have a reason I should?”
He looks down at the floor and back at me holding my hands tightly.
“I have lost everything, everyone I loved, everyone. I look at you and I am terrified of losing you. When we met it was just a game, something to keep my mind off work and the war and you were interesting. I..I.. didn’t expect all this. Shit I didn’t even know my heart still worked. I felt like I could rule you, like everything else but then when you ran away, I – I just, I couldn’t move. I don’t know what I would’ve done if we didn’t find you.”
(I am speechless and I am shocked. I was not expecting this)
“No one can rule you, you are the biggest pain in my ass, but I just… I need you to exist in my world and be in my day, Auryon please I beg yo….mmmmm”
I take Lord Canowicakte face in my hands and kiss him with my whole heart and soul. His eyes are bright and not cold. I move my fingers over his lips as he holds me in his arms and I open his mouth with a gentle stroke. I glide my tongue into his mouth.
“Auryon I want you” he whispers on my lips.
I nod “I am staying here with you”
Passion explodes in the man I have wanted for so long. He tightens his grip around me and kisses my neck gently while lowering me onto the bed. He pulls his shirt over his head. His smooth skin scared by battle. Then he takes off his trousers and I gasp. He leans over me with his strong naked body. I am flushed and overwhelmed with want. There is not much he can’t see through my gown and he slides off the sleeves exposing me completely. He pulls the gown off my body.
(My lord she is beautiful)
He kisses me slowly biting gently as the works his way down my neck and my chest until he reaches my breasts. His tongue expertly teasing my sensitive skin.
“I love your touch” I whisper as my fingers dig into the bed.
I feel him smiling as he works his way down my stomach
(I want every piece of her, she is so warm, so sweet)
He continues down my body licking and nipping until he is between my legs. I am warm and ready.
I crab his hair as he pleasures me more than any man has ever. I moan loudly.
(I have to have her right now!)
He lowers himself on top of me
“Open your eyes Fire fox, look at me”
As he looks deep into my eyes I feel him touching my soul. With a thrust he takes control of me. I shout and I claw his back. He grabs my face as he rocks my body.
“Look at me… I want to see the pleasure in your eyes”
“I couldn’t look away if I wanted to, you are consuming me”
A glimmer of bright green floods his eyes and disappears quickly.
(What was that?)
My body is not my own and he presses in harder. My whole body obeys him with every movement. I climax with a cry
“Ah Lord Canowi….ah”
I hear him moan as he tightens his grip even more leaving me breathless.
That night we made love for hours exploring every inch of each other. In those moments nothing and no one else mattered.